A Veteran's Guide to the Montreal/Toronto Megabus

            So you’ve decided to become a member of the Ontarian expat community in Montreal. There are plenty of guides out there to teach you about various aspects of the city and I will leave those be. This guide is for anyone out there who is cheap and lazy. The train is for the rich, ride shares are for enterprising and social people who are willing to hunt through facebook to find a tolerable person to ride with. If you aren’t described by the above, chances are you are going to take the damn Megabus. When it comes to the commute between Montreal and Toronto, I am a distinguished veteran. Over my six years I have made this commute too many times to count, and I will use this space to share the tactics which I have gained during that time. Make no mistake, this trip is a drag, but these tips will help make sure you are having the best drag possible.

*Disclaimer* - This guide is intended for single riders only. If you are in a couple, stop reading but also quit it with the PDA’s, the Megabus is no place for that bullshit.

The Basics

Try and book in advance. Try to book at off-peak hours. Don’t pay for the premium seats. Get there between 10-30 mins early if you can (though I have pulled off many last-minute arrivals). The trip takes just under six hours if traffic is good, but I have had it take up to nine. There is one in between stop at Kingston almost exactly half-way between the two destinations. You get” one piece of luggage under the bus, a backpack sized carry-on, and a “personal bag” which is ambiguous enough to let you bring a lot of food with you outside of your backpack.

Rule #1 - Expand

            Everything about the Megabus trip becomes easier and more enjoyable if you manage to get two seats to yourself. If you have to sit with someone else, you can’t spread out, you have to put your shit under the seat, if you don’t get the aisle you have to negotiate going to the bathroom... God forbid they are chatty and all of a sudden you are expected to be social, that’s a nightmare waiting to happen. If you want to have a good Megabus journey, you want to do everything possible to stop that from happening. I’m assuming you arrived early. Pick a seat on the top level, away from the stairs so that you won’t be the first spot people pass. Sit in the aisle seat. Take advantage of how lenient they are about carry-on, and start to spread out over the two seats. Pull things out of your carry-on if you have to. Ideally, have some kind of food that is somewhat inappropriate for public consumption: milk, cottage cheese, hard-boiled eggs in a jar, all of these are great options. Anything with an odour is great too. You should be dressed and in general looking unpleasant. You probably worked up a sweat trudging through the snow, let that shine. NEVER shower/shave/groom yourself before a trip, you want to look and smell as awful as possible. Wear your loosest, most stained clothing. Keep a sneer on your face and have headphones on, ideally loud enough that some sound is leaking out, again, the more annoying you seem to sit next to the better. The ideal situation is where everyone but you is sitting next to someone else during the journey.

Rule #2 – Preparation

            This might have been number 1 if I didn’t think expansion was so essential. It ties in regardless. Six-plus hours is a long ass time, longer than you think. Absolute necessities are:

• ·       Snacks
• ·       Ibuprofen
• ·       Chargers
• ·       Water
• ·       Coffee
• ·       Toilet Paper (no really, bring your own, it makes everything better AND makes you seem more like someone not worth sitting next to)
• ·       Neck Pillow (I don’t have one but I really should)

Beyond those essentials, it’s all about giving yourself a variety of options. You will get bored if you only bring one thing to do. My usual loadout includes the above, my laptop (w/ external hard-drive loaded w/ movies),  some schoolwork, two pairs of headphones (1 bluetooth 1 regular), some fiction, and my phone (loaded with podcasts). Beyond the general off-putting nature, you should also dress in layers. The temperature on Megabus is incredibly weird and variable, sometimes it gets very cold, sometimes it gets very hot. You want to be flexible, is the general rule. It helps that this flexibility makes it easier to spread out over two seats.

Rule #3 – Take Advantage of the Kingston Stop

          About 2.5 hours from Toronto and 3.5 hours from Montreal you run into the Kingston stop, where they change drivers. They will tell you not to get off the bus, that’s B.S. That said, it’s not a bad idea to be ready as the bus pulls in so that you can beat the other passengers to Tim’s. There’s a Tim Hortons across the road which is open 24 hours, fill up your water-bottle either there or inside the station, and if you want, buy some food or coffee for the second half of your trip. Take advantage of their bathroom, it’s usually pretty clean. Have a smoke or two if that’s your thing, sometimes they will make you get off the platform. The other key to this stop is to improve your seating situation if necessary and ensure that a pesky Kingston hop on doesn’t worsen it. If you are sitting with someone and enough people get off in Kingston, grab yourself a new seat – you’re helping both yourself and the other person. If the premium seats have been left vacant (Queens kids seem to buy these all the time) go ahead and grab those, they have some slight perks. Overall, take the opportunity to stretch but don’t let that stretching fuck you over for the other half of the journey. I once thought I had done well by leaving for Tim Hortons early and had a business kid with a suit bag take the aisle seat, essentially the worst case scenario. Don’t let that happen to you, remember rule #1!

Rule #4 – Conduct

            “But Ian, you said ‘seem as unpleasant as possible,’ clearly manners aren’t a priority here!” The key word here is seem. It’s every rider for themselves, but that doesn’t mean you should be an asshole. A second stern demand to couples: knock the PDA off. The Megabus is not an enchanted journey it is a way to get from point A to point B. If you are a talker, keep it down. In general I try to avoid phone conversations. If you are unfortunate enough to end up with a seat-mate, be courteous to them, even if they are a talker. Don’t hog both of the plugs. You’re not obligated to talk to them for long but an exchange of names can’t hurt. Try and keep an eye on other people using the bus bathroom, and plan your trips so that you don’t end up creating a long line standing up. If you do use the bathroom, pee sitting down. Make a toilet paper cover if you must, just don’t make that shit worse for everyone else. In general, just keep to yourself, and if you do end up sitting next to someone, it’s appropriate to void rule 1 and not spread yourself out. Sometimes rule 1 doesn’t work, and you have to accept that and make the most of the trip regardless.

Concluding Notes

          I hope this gives you the tools you need to survive the commute between Eastern Canada’s major cities. Despite all the negative stuff I’ve said, it’s really not that bad if you are prepared, and it can be a good opportunity to get around to stuff you have been meaning to, reflect on stuff, message and catch up with friends etc. etc. Who knows, there are probably people who have actually made friends with seatmates, though I will believe that when I see it. If you have any questions, email me at ian.rodgers@mail.mcgill.ca

Errata

• ·       It is not worth transporting large quantities of alcohol from Montreal to Toronto, regardless of whether or not you get away with it. Trust me, I’ve tried, it was a disaster.
• ·       Don’t expect the Megabus wifi to be any good. It’s always spotty, and it’s recently gotten even more annoying because they created some bullshit app for phones. Download the media you will consume on the bus and save some data for the trip.
• ·       Sometimes you will get completely screwed and end up in an old fashioned coach which doesn’t even have spotty wifi or plugs. In this situation, battery management is absolutely crucial, and you should make use of analog forms of entertainment.
• ·       I’ve been doing this for 6 years and I still always manage to fuck up the preparation side of things, which is why it’s good to have fallbacks and to check off the essentials.