An Open Letter to the City of Guelph

                To whom it may concern, picture this,

It is the end of a long day. Your boss has been riding your ass all week, and it doesn’t seem like anything you can do is good enough to get him to leave you alone. Your kid is sick, has been all week; he’s got some weird flu, and you can’t tell if he’s faking because every time you get home it seems like he is better, but then the next day he’s pale and at the toilet. You’re not quite sure you love your wife any more.

                However, none of this matters any more. You’re going to get home quickly, tell your wife you love her, maybe buy your kid some pepto bismol.

                Let’s say you work in the south end of guelph, and live in the north. You’re on your way home. It’s 4:45. You’re hoping to get home by 5:00, maybe 5:15.

                Then you hit the first light. Clair and Gordon. Shit. A part of you knows what is happening, but you try to deny it. The light turns green, and you stay calm, figuring “hey, I’ll drive the speed limit, and I should be good the whole way home”.

                Not so. You hit the first light, the one that is just for pedestrians. But whatever. It’s fine. Share the road. Just think about Justina and Markus and keep driving at the speed of traffic.

                Then you hit the Clairfields Drive stop light. Great. Somehow, it turned yellow juuuuuust before the point of no return. You decide that going the speed limit clearly isn’t going to work, so you decide to maybe speed a bit. 10km/h or so.

                No dice. You hit the light at Lowes road. It’s already 5:10. You can’t help but wonder to yourself why these lights take so long to change, there is no real cross traffic.

                This time, you slam on the gas out of the gate. You’re sick of being on the road and just want to get home. It doesn’t matter. You stop at Vaughan. You stop at Arkell. It’s 5:23. There’s several texts on your phone from your wife.

                You’re desperate now, but almost resigned. You hit the Edinburgh light, and it takes two full cycles to get through. You manage to drive for a bit, but then get the one – two punch of kortright and Harvard. At this point, you’re going nuts. Your phone has rung through twice. And you know, in your heart of hearts that you haven’t even gotten through the worst yet. Stone. University students crossing the road. College. What is going on here. How can you possibly hit every red light. You sneak a peak at your phone, your wife has decided to leave you. Your son is dead.

                This was just a hypothetical, but situations like this could be happening every day in the city of Guelph.

My question is, what’s the deal? I’ve read this xkcd comic (hyperlink). But I just can’t help but feel there’s something up with Guelph’s system. It honestly feels like Gordon is designed so that if you hit one light, you are guaranteed to hit them all.

Any other Guelphites have any thoughts? Civil Engineers? People with connections at city hall?