Marks

I got a C back on an unimportant ~checkup~ assignment in a philosophy class today. I knew I wasn't giving my best work, I knew that my answer wasn't polished and I wasn't expecting great results. 

And yet, this shit is like a physical blow to me. I was actually walking around with some kind of a swagger today up until I saw that mark, and now I'm downtrodden, frustrated and again doubting my intelligence/potential as a student.

There is something about negative feedback that hits me hard. I know from a logical point of view that it's not a horrific thing, and in fact this entire assignment was meant to be a low stakes way of saying where you're at, and I was definitely behind in the course when I wrote this assignment, whereas I am more caught up now. But there's like this mind/body reaction to the knowledge that something I put ~some~ effort into was bad, and that some of my ideas were relatively bad. Also just the concept that I might be not suited for this class freaks me out.

 I have to write another short assignment for a class which I am much more caught up in, and I must admit the wind has been taken out of my sails. I'll finish it, and I'll try to do well. Hopefully I'll get good feedback.

If I don't though, I'm aware that I need to find a way to deal with this reaction. I'm not sure how exactly I'm going to accomplish that - it's something that has hit me hard throughout life. I have distinct memories of crying at an A- given in grade four. Maybe it's related to being unsure about my identity, and just generally somewhat insecure. Unfortunately, I don't know any other way to improve my security in my intelligence than receiving praise/good marks. 

I don't know how to conclude this - I have to get to class.