20

The hum of my computer is resonant with the ringing in my ears as transmitted through the sounding box of my bed into my pillow
The normally dismissable sound builds to a deafening roar as I examine this phenomenon, not disturbed by it but curious
It's a unique harmony, the low hum meeting the high whine to create a tone not usable in music
This first weekend has made me question if I was right to return to the gauntlet, even though there was nowhere else I would have enjoyed going
I consider the possibility that if I just become ascetic I will be able to handle things
Everyone's an Alcoholic by AA's definition anyways
And once you join it's imperative that you stay in forever
A frightening concept, to say the least
Living life only on the clearest plane of existence
But even that is not an option for me
At least not for a year or two
And when you get down to it existence is indulgence
In worldly pleasures
I mean hell you're in the world
So why even bother to avoid specific ones?
I repeat to myself that I am doing the right things
Taking the right steps
Moving in the right direction
But my self awareness forces me to recognize that I am half naked in bed
And still haven't done my readings yet
And my chicken won't thaw in time
So I'll have to microwave it
I said to a friend that what matters right now is to eat
Not necessarily to eat well
The light from the ceiling is harsh and doesn't offer much comfort
Yellow is a consistently harsh colour
And I still need to buy that lamp
And I still need to buy some gel
And I still need to buy a shaving kit
But I'm paralysed by the notion that I might possibly run out of money
And have to ask for help from people I know would be all too willing to offer it
But whom I'd feel like I was manipulating
Because who am I kidding, I am manipulating
I could sell my fucking BTC
And just accept it as a misadventure
But that would be its own giving up
Thank god I have plans with someone else to go for a run
That one thing might be enough to stop the spiral.