Let's Talk About Porn

It’s a tough thing to deal with. There are some seriously negative aspects of both the industry and the content itself which cause harm to actors, and lead to unrealistic expectations of sexuality. But we live in a capitalist society, and if we believe that people can make decisions for themselves, then it seems odd to insist that they can’t make decisions about their own bodies. Furthermore, attempting to hide the existence of something that is so all encompassing is a ridiculous fiction that leaves kids out there fending with the wolves. I don’t expect to deal with the issue in this short post, but I thought I would discuss my thoughts on a few matters related to porn, and try to suggest some ways that harm could be reduced.

                Let’s start with the watching. I don’t even feel the need to pull up statistics on this statement: everybody around my age watches porn. In different types, in different amounts, sure, but it’s pretty universal. And sure, there’ll be exceptions, but I’d rather focus on the rule for now. Kids have sexual impulses, parental filters are notoriously ineffective, and you can guarantee that your kid will find it somehow. The problem is it has been suggested that watching porn has many negative effects on the viewers. Some (mildly sketchy) studies from the “NoFap” community, insist that it is a horrible, debilitating addiction which (combined with masturbation) causes erectile dysfunction, lack of energy, depression, lack of intimacy, unrealistic expectations of sex, offensive views of women… basically anything that people have wrong with them. While some of those effects can definitely be attributed to placebo and other effects, I think there is something to be discussed in the unrealistic expectations of sex it creates, and the harm it causes in young men’s view of women. Most people will watch porn for several years before they actually have sex, and if they watch a lot of it, it could definitely cause them to believe that all sex is minor foreplay (and terrible dialogue), followed by a blowjob, and jackhammering with the girl screaming the whole time. I would hope that most people have the common sense to see beyond that, but it has been shown that some do not have that sense. In fact, some people have been seen to prefer porn to actual sexual partners, who have needs rather than just existing for the viewers’ pleasure. Further, I have no doubt that the constant viewing of porn can shape the way someone views women. Constantly seeing women treated the way they are in porn, especially if the viewer gets into more hardcore stuff, can make someone have trouble seeing women as anything other than sluts and whores.  Worse, even the mild viewer could be given the impression that women want sex all the time, which can contribute to harmful sexual situations. My own time on the darkest depths of the internet has shown me what happens when someone only has porn, bitterness, and other bitter people to shape their views, and it is scary. 

                The porn industry is rife with horror stories from people who are taken advantage of, abused or otherwise harmed by executives. The creator of the “Casting Couch” series has been outed as having herpes, without telling the women he cast in his videos. Linda Lovelace, the creator of the famous “Deep Throat” was abused by her boyfriend throughout the process. It’s hard to imagine the industry without thinking of some slimy guy in a cheap suit taking advantage of a poor and desperate actress. While some porn is ethical, (even on the hardcore side) certain websites use desperation and the threat of a contract to pressure women into downright abusive scenes. For every Stoya, there are likely many young actresses who didn’t make it, and were forced into a degrading situation where they were taken advantage of and harmed. However, there are very vocal exceptions. One of the most interesting parts of the recent “Duke Porn Star” story was her pride in her work. She said that she liked having a sexual alter ego, that it was less degrading than a waitressing job, and that she was offended that people who consume porn would ostracize someone who creates it. And there are several anecdotes out there of porn stars which say just that:  they find it sexually liberating, it pays their way through college in a way they never could have done normally, and ultimately it is a positive story.  How can you say to these people that they should not be able to do their work? The problem is trying to separate the good from the bad, and see who the truly ethical people are. As a standard viewer of a free site like YouPorn, you often have absolutely no idea. The Duke porn star was being flown out to L.A. and making enough for tuition, but I doubt this is the norm. Somehow, we need to find a way to ensure that the majority of stories from the industry are positive, that even those who are not immensely successful are treated safely and with dignity.

                Ultimately, the answer has to come from the consumers. If consumers demand ethical porn, if people refuse to watch porn without proof that it is safe for the women, it can influence the industry to become more ethical. You could demand some kind of labelling system which ensures you that the porn you are watching has been ethically made, established through some independent tribunal. Workplace safety is important in any job, and in a field such as pornography it requires some special attention to ensure people don’t fall through the cracks. But even this labelling will end in a somewhat awkward solution. Someone has to convince the kids to give a fuck about it. Unless we’re going to try and bring this into our education system, this duty will have to fall on parents. Ultimately, every parent knows that their child consumes porn. But it is a rare few that would be willing to talk to them about it. But I think that as parents you have a duty to discuss it with your children. Think of it this way – you can either let your child discover porn on their own and go down whatever dark road the mass of clicks on the internet leads them, or you can have a frank discussion with them, talk about the lack of reality of the situation, and make them understand that the people in the videos are just that – people. I would even argue that it is a responsible move as a parent to buy a family subscription to a high quality, ethical porn site. That may sound downright absurd, and not many people can imagine having that kind of conversation and taking that kind of action with their children, but we, as the parents of tomorrow, can try and make this the norm. I would support a non-profit group that suggested tips on discussing porn with your children, without puritanical or judgemental roots. Maybe some day it won’t be an impossible conversation, and we’ll see porn the same way as we see the regular “talk” about sex. Critical thought is the answer. Look into where your porn is coming from, and try and steer toward porn made with respect to everyone involved. And when you become a parent, don’t be afraid to bring up Ron Jeremy with your kids. Believe me, it’s better than them finding it out piece by horrible piece themselves.