Goodbye, Old Flame

Suggested soundtrack.

This is the result of a vote in my newsletter between five potential bad premises. The premise:
 I go through my Instagram "following" list and say a few words about all my past crushes who I still check up on once in a while for some reason, then unfollow them.

1. In highschool I knew you, over the years we kept up a “check-in friendship, but I have to admit that I’m never going to get in touch with you. I’ll always remember the song “tonight” by stars that you showed me while talking about how you had a crush on my friend.
2. I used to fantasize about having a chill stoner relationship with you, like the guy in the show “Bored To Death” with I think a character played by Jenny Slate. I will still see you at hillside.
3. Speaking of the Hillside music festival, I actively courted you there, but I think there was another person in the picture and I also get the impression you were going through a fucked up time in your life. I will not miss the posts of your happy life with your boyfriend, and you will probably not even remember me.
4. You have simply amazing breasts. I have this one watercolour thing from you somewhere in my childhood room. I think it fell off the wall at some point and ended up in some drawer. I think you taught me a lot about how people being flirty doesn’t mean they are attracted to you.
5. You were my friend’s girlfriend, pretty cute, and you liked a bunch of my social media, so I had little feelings going on. All the links between us are pretty much gone now that you two broke up.
6. The first of many camp crushes to come up here, but honestly, one of the weakest ones.
7. I had a weird resentment for you in cultural studies classes, and I hate your writing, but I can’t deny there were some interesting things mixed up in there.
8. You are so cool, so French, and so attractive, and you were in a ton of my classes, but I think I kind of never got around to talking to you because I found all that intimidating.
9. I had a very weird kind of thing for you, and I suspect you may have somewhat returned it, but I was just miles away from you socially.
10. One of the people I was most into in my phase where I would have a crush on one person, and both their roommates. I get the impression you are doing well now.
11. Very cool, but you live in another country.
12. One of my biggest ongoing crushes, and honestly a hard unfollow because you lead an interesting life. This exercise is about letting go.
13. This was genuinely a thing for a minute, but fell apart when expectations met reality.
14. Another camp crush, another hippy/stoner crush, another piece of baggage I need to let go of.
15. We met through Reach for the Top, we were both on the “cool teams” and then surprisingly kept in touch, but we are now at a point where I’m just following you because you have an insta-baddie feed
16. Met you in a very interesting way, and again, kept up for a while. If I do get back in touch with you, it will be on a whim and through facebook messenger. Don’t need the pics of your happy life.
17. It was your offhand suggestion that made me do cultural studies. I ran into you a while back, seems like you are doing great!
18. There’s so much time, weird emotion, and other things wrapped into this one, feels legitimately healthy as a life moment to let it go.
19. Another highschool crush, another person I only talked to in groups and didn’t know that well.
20. I can’t remember if we met in person or through montreal twitter, but either way, you seem very glamorous and down to earth and artistic, au revoir.
21. One of the coolest people I’ve ever met, but you disappeared off the face of the earth.
22. Man have I had a crush on every single cool girl in cultural studies? It’s possible. Saw you at a rave not too long ago.
23. I think I met you through a terrible reputation. I think you followed me first. I always think about sliding in the dms.
24. This one counts for all the people who I still follow but can’t even say I had a real crush on, just like, attraction and I thirsted after some of your Instagram photos.
25. You are very literary and I will sometimes see your pictures and imagine a quiet life full of sweaters and animals and blustery cliffs.
26. Had a crush on you since the very first day of grade 9. You were and are staggeringly entrancing.
27. I knew your older sister, but after highschool you became someone I was very interested in at a party, to the point of a weird competitive moment with a friend.
28. A musician from an improv team we were close friends with. I think I remember you hugging me and whispering “you’re my favorite” one time. Having a weird tingling sadness just remembering that moment.
29. Ski hill crush
30. Felt it was weird to have a crush on you because you were a few years younger than me, but the feelings were there.
31. Science fair crush.
32. Friend of a friend crush
33. You were very far away and we had a vague tinder thing that never went anywhere.
34. We kissed at stache dash, then I vomited all over the place. Never really addressed it.
35. Another weird mix of attraction and distaste. You had a resting bitch face but I found you very appealing
36. Camp crush, literally every post you do is about your happy relationship, should have done this years ago.
37. Very intense person, I got the impression you didn’t like me in classes, I feel like I am revealing too much in aggregate with this exercise.
38. I honestly would shoot my shot if we were ever in the same place for a long enough time. But we won’t be.
39. Damn, this person DEFINITELY disliked me.
40. You were in Montreal and close to my friends. This is one of the few “out of my league” things I would say definitively. Just wouldn’t even cross your mind.
41. You were 2 years older than me, and you probably set me on the path towards being a semi-professional photographer more than anyone else.
42. Very brief hook-up thing that had no legs, though I tried to extend it longer than it deserved.
43. You were always dating one of my friends and I was always somewhat bummed about that.
44. Very cute and very quiet in my science classes. I shoulda asked you out.
45. Group post for all the girls I liked in cultural studies classes who seemed to be in a different crowd. (est. 2-4)
46. We did judo at the same club. Was the sexual tension just me being a horny teenager, or was there some mutual stuff going on as we grappled.
47. I had a very big thing for you throughout highschool, but was just not your type. At this point I’m realizing how much easier my life would have been if I had just admitted feelings for people. Like, I already knew that, but this is an insane list and it’s not even done.
48. Getting back into girls in highschool who were pretty and popular (est 2-5)
49. I’m cringing hard going through this history. I actually did tell you my feelings, and you somewhat reciprocated but weren’t really interested.
50. Probably the biggest and most enduring camp crush on this list. Older and so cool.
51. Redhead from not that long ago, I did so much vague flirty facebook messenges but never put things on the table. I’m kind of a coward, in case you didn’t know.
52. You were on the bus, and 2 years older, and I had a crush on you from the first day of grade 5.
53. Another unattainable artistic beauty. Funny anecdote, I sent you a weird dm asking if there were offers at the yoga place you worked at, and you wisely did not reply.
54. Friend’s roommate, now happily married.
55. Older, cooler camp crush.
56. Useful reference point as one of the first unattainable artistic beauties I barely talked to.
57. Had a crush on the tomboyish you when we were both in grade 5, regained a crush on you after you turned into a somewhat troubled but beautiful adult.
58. Brief roommate, medium-big crush.

This is perhaps not exhaustive. Does not include people who I do actually talk to, and any further goes into regular old thirst follows of people from twitter and insta that I don’t know. I could probably go on, but I think this captures the majority of the spirit of the exercise. I cringed a lot writing this, and have some thinking to do.